Can you really be addicted to porn?
I sometimes see clients—usually men—who are struggling with what they feel is out-of-control compulsive sexual behavior. Sometimes clients feel they spend too much time looking at online pornography. Sometimes they want to stop engaging in higher-risk behavior, like going to massage parlors or hiring escorts (I’ll write about that in another post.) Whatever it is, when a client comes to see me for compulsive sexual behavior, they usually feel as though their behavior has taken a toll and that it’s time for a change.
Clients sometimes label these challenges as ‘sex addiction’ or ‘porn addiction’—some therapists do, too. There’s a debate amongst therapists about whether or not one can be addicted to sex or pornography; ‘sex addiction’ is not listed as an official diagnosis in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.) Many therapists feel that treating sexual behavior as a vice that should be eliminated can perpetuate shame around sex and sexuality.
My approach as a clinician begins with recognizing what the client identifies as unhealthy behavior and trying to understand both why they see it as unhealthy and what’s driving the compulsion.
When a client is using more pornography than they’re comfortable with, it’s sometimes because of a high level of anxiety or some other uncomfortable internal experience, like depression or numbness. Looking at porn can be an easy way to enter a different feeling state and escape negative or uncomfortable emotions. Getting lost in watching a sexual fantasy play out can make porn users feel better, or at least different, while they’re using it—which is often why porn use can become compulsive.
As such, people sometimes get to a level of porn intake they find unhealthy around times when they’re experiencing a lot of stress: from their job, from financial concerns, or from family or relationship difficulties. Sometimes behaviors that once offered relief and/or escape can eventually add to our distress.
People can have a lot of shame around their use of porn, and opening up and talking about it usually provides real relief. One of the challenges around porn use is that it’s stigmatized, so people often hide it from others, at all costs. But the shame that comes from secret habits can really fester in the darkness. A person’s shame around using porn can help to perpetuate a negative cycle that leads them to use porn even more.
Talking to a therapist can help clients take a good look at what’s behind their porn use and to try to discern how much, if any, porn that they feel okay using. My job is not to share my own thoughts or feelings I have about pornography; instead, I try to help clients to understand their own views.
Online pornography is a powerful force, and, if people are uncomfortable with their own use of it, I think it’s valuable to take a good look at how it may be impacting them.